


How do you want to die?

by Windfighter



Category: Digimon Savers | Digimon Data Squad, Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Gen, Sorry Emil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-28 06:16:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12600124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfighter/pseuds/Windfighter
Summary: Emil meets a weird person in Östersund one day. After that nothing goes his way as he can no longer seem to survive even one lousy chapter!





	1. Prologue

”How do you want to die?”

Emil stared in disbelief at the woman infront of him. She was a head shorter than he was, with black fuzzy hair and clothes that looked... well... like they didn't originate in Sweden. Or even Year 85. He couldn't find a way to describe them as they seemed to change whenever his eyes focused on them. His jaw dropped and he shook his head, tried to gather himself.

”What kind of way is that to greet someone?”

She shrugged.

”You'll find out sooner or later. Do you have an answer?”

Emil rolled his eyes, the woman was starting to get on his nerves.

”Why should I talk to you? You didn't even introduce yourself.”

”As far as first impressions go it was pretty awesome though, wasn't it?” She held out her hand. ”Name's Sofia Magdalena Linnea Wilhelmina. No last name though, I don't need that.”

Emil took her hand, shook it. Energy rushed through his body, it felt like electricity coursing through his veins, and his body tensed up. For a short second he wondered if he had just made a deal with the Devil, that horrible being the old people sometimes talked about, that being that couldn't possible exist. Then it passed and she blinked curiously, her eyes quickly shifting in colour until finally setting for brown.

”Emil Fredrik Västerström”, Emil muttered.

”Oh, I already know your name”, she said and let go of his hand. ”I know quite a lot about you, actually.”

She smiled and Emil shivered, his mind repeating the phrase ”There is no devil” over and over again.

_But what if there is?_ Emil didn't want to think about it.  _What if there is and he just choose you for some sick joke?_ Emil didn't think about it.  _What if you just sold your soul to the Devil?_ Emil was definately not thinking about it.

_She gave me her name_ , he reasoned. There wasn't any reason to think about it.  _If she was the Devil I'd be able to seize control over her._ He was not considering the fact that she might be the devil, but her smile, there was something about her smile.

”So”, she asked, ”how do you want to die?”

 


	2. An airplane is just a car with wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emil finds himself in a modern AU about to enter a very long car with wings.

Emil stared at the large metallic thing infront of him. Never in his life had he seen anything so terrifying. Helga smiled at him and he frowned slightly at the pink and alarmingly green outfit she had chosen to wear for the day. Never before had he seen his mother dress in something so colourful. No one in Östersund at all for that matter. Did those extraordinary bright and powerful colours even exist or was he dreaming?

”Hurry up, Emil, or we'll take off without you!”

She smiled when she said it, but Emil hesitated. Take off? What did she mean? She went up to the metallic thing and Emil went closer, studied it. It was a tube with lots of windows and a large sheet of metal sticking out on the side. Emil assumed there was one on the other side of the tube as well, otherwise it should have fallen over. Helga entered through a door, waved for him to hurry and he gulped, followed her. She was, after all, his mother.

”Remember the training?” she asked as he entered.

She was attatching a large backpack to her back and smiled towards him. Emil furrowed his brows. The only ”training” he could remember was what his private tutor had taught him at home. He shook his head.

”But we went over it yesterday.”

She let out a sigh.

”Alright, come here, I'll show you real quick.”

He hesitated again, shifted his weight from one leg to the other, then walked closer. She finished tying up the backback and pulled out a second one.

”Here, put this on.”

There was a lot of straps attatched to the square package she offered him. Emil accepted it, pulled at the straps and scratched his head. Helga looked at him, shook her head and helped him.

”These go over your shoulders like this”, she put the thing on his back. ”These ones should go around your legs. Come on, lift your right foot.”

Emil complied and she tied the strap around his hip.

”Left one!”

Emil lifted his left foot and she tightened another strap around him.

”These”, she said as she pulled straps from the pack across his chest, ”are attatched like this.”

Emil felt pretty clumsy with all the straps tied around him, but it was more comfortable than it looked. Helga smiled at him and gestured for him to sit down.

”I'll tell the pilot we're ready for take off.”

Emil sank down on the bench and, waited. A lamp turned on in the front of the long room, but he looked through the window instead. There was a metal sheet on the other side as well, he had been correct.

”What is this?” he asked when his mother returned.

”What is what?” she asked back, sat down and buckled up.

”This”, Emil gestured at the tube.

”Are you feeling okay?” she looked worried. ”Did you hit your head? You're acting kind of weird...”

Emil shook his head.

”I'm okay, I've just never seen a car that looks like this before.”

”It's not a car, dear.”

The car started moving.

”Of course it's a car, it had wheels.”

”Don't forget to buckle up.”

Emil took her advice, he knew how a seat belt worked at least.

”If it's not a car, then what is it?”

”An airplane, silly.”

Emil furrowed his brows again. He had a vague memory of having heard the word ”airplane” before.

”What's an airplane?”

”Dear, are you sure you're okay? I can tell the pilot that we can do this another day instead.”

Emil shook his head, getting increasingly frustrated. Helga patted his leg.

”Don't worry, you'll do fine. It's easy.”

Emil had no idea what was supposed to be easy, but his mother was about as helpful as a brick right now, so he simply nodded. She smiled, her gaze left Emil and looked through the window instead. Emil's also did and he noticed the ground getting further and further away.

”What's going on?!”

”We're going up to 3,000 meters. Don't worry, it'll be alright. Want a gum?”

Emil shook his head. He had tried chewing gum before and the only thing it did was glue his mouth shut. Helga shrugged, took one for herself and leaned back. Emil's feet stomped nervously and then it felt like his ears were dying! He slapped his hands over them and leaned forwards, tried to will it away, but it wouldn't happen. He glanced at Helga, who didn't seem to have the same problem. Maybe it wasn't anything dangerous. He let his hands fall again.

”It's just air pressure”, Helga said. ”It'll feel better soon.”

Her voice sounded like it came from the other side of a door or something. After a few minutes Emil's ears popped, sounds became clearer again and Helga unbuckled, looked through the window.

”We're almost there”, she said and placed a helmet on Emil's head. ”Do you remember what to do?”

Emil shook his head, still not sure what was going on. Helga shook her head.

”When Sigrun tells us to, you pull this handle.”

She unbuckled his belt and pulled him to his feet just as a tall red-headed woman came thorugh the door in the front of the airplane.

”Hi there!” she hit Emil's back. ”Name's Sigrun, I'll be jumping with you today. You've done this before?”

”Err...” he glanced at his mother.

”We went through the training yesterday, but apart from that he's a newbie”, she smiled towards him.

”Well then, there's nothing to worry about, lotsa people do this all the time, most of 'em get down safetly.”

”My confidence is rising”, Emil muttered.

Sigrun smiled at him and opened the door at the side of the airplane.

”Alright then”, she yelled over the wind. ”Are you two ready?!”

Helga nodded, grabbed Emil's arm and pulled him towards the door. Emil tried hesitating, but Sigrun slapped his shoulder, grabbed his arm just as Helga let go of him.

”You'll do great, kiddo.”

And then he was falling. Emil screamed, closed his eyes, but the wind stole his cry and when he didn't hit the ground he opened his eyes again. And it. was. beautiful! Emil stared in awe at the view, the vast fields framed with forests and cities, the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds. Helga caught up to him, did thumbs up, and then Sigrun arrived as well, grinning widely. She held up five fingers, four, three, two, one and then Helga pulled at a handle attatched to her packback. A large sheet appeared above her and she stopped falling, rose back towards the airplane. Sigrun did the same and Emil flailed a little, tried finding the handle. The ground was coming closer awfully fast now, why had he gone into the weird car? Where was he even? He knew that. He was falling towards certain doom. Why had his mother forced him to do this?

His fingers found the handle, pulled at it. He waited for the tug as the sheet unfolded above him, but nothing. The ground was even closer now and he screamed. Closer, closer. He could make out people. Even closer. Some had stopped, looked at him and he could almost make out the different straws of grass now. He closed his eyes.

And then nothing.

 


	3. A baboon I shall call thee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his family lost their fortune, Emil got himself a job. Eventually it led to him working on the HMS Beagle, where something terrible was about to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Historical correctness is not a thing in this chapter.

Emil's body was sore when he woke up. He let out a groan and rolled over to his side. The bed was moving slightly under him. Scratch that, the whole _room_ was rocking back and forth. Emil watched as a loose bag slid over the floor, scratched his head. He wasn't usually this slow in the mornings, but there had been something... He closed his eyes, let out a sigh and opened them again. He had already forgotten the dream.

”Emil, they want you on deck!”

”Sure, sure.”

Emil sat up, yawned and stretched. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, pulled his fingers through his hair and hurried out of the cabin. He snatched a piece of bread from the galley, ducked as the cook threw something heavy at him and was about to grab the mop in order to wash the deck, but stopped when he felt people looking at him.

”Mister Westernstrum, I see you decided to come along anyway.”

Emil flinched at the not entierly correct pronounciation of his last name, then straightened his back and bowed.

”I apologize about my delay, mister Darwin. I am all set for going ashore.”

In truth, Emil hadn't even noticed when they reached land again, too busy with everything they had him do. But it was work, a good way to earn money now that his family had lost their fortune. If he was lucky he'd get rich and famous just by coming along on the HMS Beagle. He glanced at his feet and blushed.

”It seems that in my excitement to go ashore I forgot my boots.”

Darwin shook his head and waved Emil off, and Emil darted back down, grabbed his boots and returned to deck again. They boarded a smaller vessel and Emil looked around with wide eyes when he finally put his feet on steady ground again. There were trees and bushes so unlike anything he had seen at home in Sweden, all the sounds were very exotic and the people... Emil stared at the fishermen on the shore. They had dark skin, he hadn't seen many people like that before, and they talked with weird sounds that didn't sound very human. One of his crewmates threw a bag filled with equipment into his arms.

”No time for dreaming, mister Darwin wants us to get pretty far before nightfall.”

Emil nodded, put the bag on his back and took a second bag in his hand. It was heavy, but working on the ship had made him stronger and he almost managed to not stumble under the weight. They didn't walk far, but the heat and the burning sun tore away Emil's strenght like it had been butter.

”No heat in Sweden?” another member of the crew asked him as he grabbed one of Emil's bags.

”There's some heat, August can be pretty brutal, but...” Emil gestured at the sun. ”...nothing like this.”

After half an hour they reached a village and Darwin disappeard together with the man who had helped Emil with his load. Emil flopped to the grouned, fanned himself with a piece of paper. The other crew members that had come along followed his lead. After five minutes Emil was dozing off. After another thirty or so minutes he was woken up as the two returned, leading a horse that was pulling a cart. Emil joined in the frenzy as they loaded all the equipment onto the cart and then they were off. Emil walked beside the horse, talking gently with it. One of the crew members came up to him, a young man around his age that Emil had met on the boat from Sweden and kind of become friends with.

”We used to have horses at home”, Emil told him. ”I spent a lot of my time with them.”

The sun was starting to set when they reached the savanna and Darwin finally called for them to stop and make camp. Emil placed his sleeping bag close to the horse and the cart, certain that the night would be about as hot as the day. The others gathered close to the campfire and when they were done with dinner the area was already growin dark and most of the crew fell asleep. Emil laid awake for a while, talked quietly with the horse and listened to the sound of Darwin's writing. After a while he noticed another sound that distured the night. Light chattering filled the air and Emil sat up, saw Darwin put his notebook away and put more wood on the fire. Eyes in the darkness reflected the firelight and Emil got to his feet, patted the horse.

”There is nothing to worry about”, he whispered.

He heard steps, soft murmuring as Darwin woke up the rest of the crew. Emil's friend came up to him.

”Animals”, he nodded at the eyes.

”Dangerous?”

The young man shook his head, pulled his fingers through his light-gray hair. Emil continued patting the horse, tried to keep it calm. The animals were coming closer and Emil bit his lip.

”Baboons”, Darwin said suddenly. ”They are baboons.”

More wood was added to the fire, Emil could make out the animals from the darkness. They walked on four thin legs, were almost completely covered in brown fur and they had long, thin faces. They had the camp surrounded, kept their distance from the fire but were quickly closing in on the horse and equipment.

”What do they want?” Emil whispered.

His friend shrugged, kept his eyes on the baboons and Emil shivered. He had a bad feeling for some reason. One of the smaller baboons climbed onto the cart, started investigating the items, and Emil made his way up there as well, ignoring his friend's attempts to stop him.

”Hey, that's our stuff, let it be!”

The baboon looked at him, grabbed the box tighter and backed away. Emil continued towards it, held his hand out.

”I said let go.”

The baboon growled, showed its teeth. Large and pointy and Emil hesitated, then took another step forward.

”I said...”

After that everything happened so fast. Emil noticed movement in the corner of his eye and turned around. Something large hit his back and he fell over, hit his jaw on the side of the cart. The sound of bone breaking echoed in his ears, blood filled his mouth and pain clogged his mind as he slid down to the floor. Sharp teeth buried into his arm, crushed the bones and he tried to scream as a large piece of flesh was pulled loose. Only a gurgling sound came from his mouth, blood ran between his lips and stained the wood beneath him. He twisted his body, the baboon fell off him and he could hear his friend climbing into the cart.

”Lalli...” he tried, but his body wouldn't form the sounds.

Lalli looked at him, turned his attention to the baboons and Emil tried to sit up, but Lalli yelled at him and Emil's head was spinning and he fell down again. He heard a cry from one of the baboons, heard Lalli making his way through the equipment, heard him engaging in battle.

”Don't...” Emil tried again, coughed as blood trickled down his throat into his lungs, squeezed his eyes shut as the cough sent jolts of pain through his jaw. He made a new attempt to sit up, an urge to protect his friend momentarily clearing his mind. Strong, thin hands grabbed his shoulders when he moved and then there was only pain. Sharp, long teeth punctured his throat and a warm, sticky sensation came over Emil as blood ran from the wounds down over his chest. He lifted his hand, the baboon let go off him and he pressed his palm against the wounds, looked towards Lalli.

”Help”, he tried, before his hand fell down and everything turned black.

 


	4. A can full of poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacques is a hired assassin. He specializes in poison to take out his vitcims without a trace. This time he's hired to take out a member of the Nordic Council in order to stop an expedition to the Silent World.

Jacques stirred the liquid in the pot carefully while glancing at the clock. A can stood next to the stove and when his concoction was done he filled the can with it. Another glance at the clock. Nine thirty. Four more hours until his meeting. He read the note again. Peter had been blackmail into voting for something that the Nordic Council didn't want. Jacques' mission was to stop Peter from attending the voting. There wasn't much time left since Peter was leaving with the ferry early next morning.

Jacques hummed quietly, put his best clothes on and brushed his hair. He massaged in some dye to get it a slightly darker shade so he'd be a little harder to recognize. He packed his bag, putting a gun he'd only used once and a rope in it. Just in case the poison he had just prepared wouldn't work or he couldn't get Peter to drink it. He put the can into the bag as well before leaving the apartment he was currently ”borrowing”.

_I need to clean it after it's done,_ he though. _Before the owner comes home._

Mora was calm, most people were at work, and Jacques took his time, checked a couple of stores, had lunch at an almost empty restaurant. He wasn't worried about anyone recognizing him, he had the kind of face that people forgot about. The church bells rang, signaling that he only had half an hour to get to the meeting place and he hurried his steps.

There were few places in Mora where you could get some peace and quiet and still be at neutral ground. Jacques had spent days locating one and in the end he had decided that the church tower was the best spot. It was empty between the times when the bells rang, which happened each hour, but the meeting should go quicker than thirty minutes. He had already met Peter a couple of times, had already gotten the other to start trusting him. It should be over quickly.

_In another life we could have been friends_ , he thought.

He wouldn't let his feeling hinder his mission and he climbed the stairs, looked at his watch. One twenty. Ten more minutes.

Jacques leaned against the support beam, kept as far away from the windows as possible. People would start to wonder if they saw someone up there, even though they wouldn't be able to figure out _what_ someone would do there. It wasn't illegal to climb the tower, it just rarely happened. He put his bag down, closed his eyes in order to prepare. Quick steps echoed from the stairs and he smiled as Peter reached the top.

”Good day, Peter”, Jacques gave his most ingratiating smile and shook Peter's hand. ”I'm glad you could come.”

”I don't have much time though, they want me back at the office in forty five minutes...”

Peter looked out the window and Jacques studied his back. He almost regretted what he had to do, but if he didn't do it he would get the Nordic Council after him and then they'd just hire someone else to get Peter out of the way. He stepped up to the open window, looked at the city below them.

”I heard you were in trouble.”

Peter laughed nervously.

”Where did you hear something that ridiculous?”

Jacques didn't laugh and Peter leaned against the window sill.

”What have you heard?”

News didn't travel fast in the Known World, but Jacques knew he wasn't the only one out at this mission right now. Several assasins had been hired in order to take care of the people who had gotten blackmailed. It would have been wiser of his employer to hire someone in order to take out the person behind the blackmail, Trond Andersen, but there wasn't any real proof that he was behind it and several attempts had already been made during the now old man's lifetime.

”They're sending an assassin after you.”

Peter got slightly paler and Jacques put a hand on his shoulder.

”Are you alright?”

”Yeah, I just... Assassins? Why?”

”You're not fine. Here”, Jacques took the can out of the bag and handed it to Peter. ”Drink, it'll make you feel better.”

Peter's hands shook as he accepted the can and Jacques looked away again.

”Assassins, I never... How do you know?”

Peter's voice was shaking and Jacques turned his back to the window, looked at Peter. He felt his elbow bumping into something as he leaned against the window sill. He heard the sound of metal sliding over wood and turned around. The can slid over the edge and both Peter and Jacques leaned out, watched it fall.

”Look out!”

The warning from Jacques came too late. They watched in horror as the heavy can hit the blonde man who had chosen just that moment to go past the old church, saw the can lodge itself into his head. He stopped, stood still for a couple of seconds before falling to his knees, to the ground. Jacques and Peter exchanged glances as blood ran from the young man's head onto the ground and without another word both of them ran down the stairs and disappeared into the streets of Mora. Left behind was a can full of poison and the broken body of Emil Västerström.

 


	5. A door to heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emil is sent into an old house to take care of a nest inside it, but inside the house nothing is as it should be.

Emil led the way through the 100 year old building. There was supposedly a nest somewhere inside it and they needed to make sure the land was free of trolls. Therefore he had been sent in together with a scout and four recruits who had never seen a troll before. They started their search at the upper floor, where they walked through a neverending hallway. The walls were decorated with blue and white plates and Emil recognized the pattern from his grandmother's plates. He lost track of time, walking through the corridor took forever, but when he check the sun through the one window they kept passing it hadn't moved. He had no idea of how long they had walked when they finally returned to the stairs leading down. Emil and the scout went down, the recruits had vanished into thin air but Emil wasn't worried.

Emil felt the scout's breath against his neck as they walked and his shoulders tensed up as he readied himself for whatever could happen. They went past door after door after door, but there was no sign of the man they were hunting. Her father? Emil couldn't quite remember.

Outside one door Emil stopped. There was a sound on the other side. Light shuffling followed by the occassional thud. The corridor seemed to shrink untik that door was the only door in the whole building and Emil placed his hand on the door handle. The nameless scout grabbed his shoulder and shook her head. Emil laughed.

”Don't worry, I'm trained for this.”

She shook her head again, but Emil pulled free from her grip.

”It's just a boggart”, he laughed.

The scout looked at him, but there were no more protests and Emil opened the door, went inside. Furniture laid broken on the floor, torn curtains covered the window but he could see the moon and stars through the holes. The door closed behind him, was no longer there and he went further into the room. Something moved in the corner and he pulled out his dagger, noticed it glowing blue. There was danger close by but he had nowhere to run, no one to turn to.

A shadow broke free from the darkness. It was vaguely shaped like a human and seemed to gaze straight into Emil's soul, and Emil shivered, took a tighter grip around his dagger, but it was no longer a dagger. It was cold and wet and he let go of it, watched it fall to the floor in slow-motion. The icicle grew longer, became green and slithered away to hide under a broken chair. Emil stared at the shadow again, saw it come closer. He took a step back, almost tripped over his own feet and the shadow lurched forward, its hands sank into Emil's head, Emil's chest and he froze. His body grew cold, darkness swirled around him. Voices echoed from the shadow, cut through his flesh and then everything was black.

 


	6. An Explosive Exit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even in 1920 AUs Emil takes the most dangerous job he can find, this time as a human cannonball!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to imagine Sigrun as the strongman and Mikkel as the manager (or the bearded lady) for extra SSSS-characters!

Emil could hear the audience laughing. That meant the clowns were already up. After them it was the strongman and the freaky bearded lady. Then it was his turn. Fifteen more minutes. He went through his act in his head again. It was easy, he had done it ten times already.

First he'd enter the stage. Smile and wave at the audience as the manager introduced him. After him the cannon would be rolled out. They'd explain how it worked and the audience would be allowed on stage to inspect t and Emil would answer any questions they had.

”It's perfectly safe.”

”I'm a professional.”

”It's very exciting.”

”It makes you feel like a bird.”

”I've done it hundreds of times.”

When the excitement among the audience reached its peak the manager would order them back to their seats. A light would turn on to show the net where he was going to land and he would put on his helmet. They'd make a big show about charging the cannon, he'd climb into it and the manager would ask if the audience were ready, if Emil was ready. Thumbs up, hands to the sides, fuse lit. He'd fly through the air and then land safetly in the net. Cheers from the audience and then the clowns were up again.

Emil put on his suit, fiery red to enhance the show, and rested the helmet in his lap, stared at it. He knew it was safe, he and the manager had gone through the numbers so many times, they had tested it to make sure their calculations were correct and everything worked flawlessly. It was perfectly safe, but Emil still worried. He knew what could happen if something went wrong.

The audience applauded the strongman, the bearded lady was called in and Emil got up from his seat, took his place behind the curtain. The music for her act was exciting, fast, and Emil closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and pulled his fingers through his hair.

”You ready?”

The strongman. Emil nodded, didn't dare open his mouth. His voice would betray him. He took another deep breath and the strongman patted his back.

”You'll do great.”

”I know”, Emil answered.

The music ended, applauds. Emil nodded to the bearded lady as she exited the stage.

”And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the human cannonball, Emil Västerström!”

Emil passed through the curtains out into the cool evening air. The audience roared excitedly as he entered and he lifted his hands to greet them. The manager introduced him, the cannon rolled out behind him. Emil continued smiling as the manager invited the audience to check the cannon. He answered the questions with confidence, even those he hadn't prepared for and then the audience was ushered back to their seats. Emil put on his helmet while the strongman charged the cannon and Emil made sure everything was correct before climbing into it. He wasn't nervous any longer, the hardest part was over, and when the manager asked if he was ready his smile was sincere. The lights got dimmer, a single light was lit to show the net Emil was going to land in and he made himself comfortable in the cannon. The manager counted down, the audience counted down with him and then Emil was flying.

The net was closing in fast and Emil prepared for the landing, prepared to roll down the net and land safetly on the ground, but the net passed under him and Emil's mind raced. What had gone wrong? Where had the calculations been incorrect? _Did they forget to carry the two?_ And the most important question: What was there behind the net?

Emil's body slammed into the barn at way too many kilometers per hour. The sudden stop crushed his bones and his lifeless body slid to the ground before he was even able to feel the pain.

 


	7. A fist full of rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are few things that can get Emil angry. Someone threatening his friends is one of those things.

Emil didn't get angry. That wasn't who he was. He never raised his voice (except to let out manly shrieks of fear) and he would certainly not engage in fist fights. It was beneath him. He prefered to solve disagreements with words or gentle actions or... well, he could get a little mean when he was frustrated, but who couldn't? Anyway, you'd have a hard time making him angry (and you would probably like him even when he was angry), which was why the situation he currently found himself in was a bit absurd. But perhaps we should start at the beginning (so the author can get more time to figure out what the situation is)?

Emil had woken up late, allowed to sleep in for the first time since he started public school. The long sleep had done him good, he felt rested, energized, and he whistled as he made pancakes for breakfast. The sun was shining, the sky was almost clear of clouds, and when he was done with breakfast Emil decided that he should spend his day off at the park. Said and done, Emil washed off the dishes and left his apartment. The streets were full of people, everyone in Mora seemed to have the same idea as he had. He bought an icecream from an ecstatic woman who almost forgot to give him his icecream, too busy telling him about the troubles of being an author and how her next book was going to feature an icecream stand. Emil vaguely remembered her from somewhere, but couldn't place her.

He continued his walk, greeted people he met, stopped to pet a dog and quickly ran away when the owner noticed him. Eventually he reached the park and found himself a bench to sit on. He watched the kids play for a while before joining them for a game of ”Who's afraid of the troll?”, featuring Emil as the troll. The kids screamed when he ran after them, screamed higher when he caught them, laughed and then joined him as trolls. Eventually everyone had turned into trolls and they built a city out of sand they could invade, except the game shifted and suddenly they were all defending the city as cleansers. As the afternoon turned into evening the kids disappeared one after another and then Emil was alone with a young girl.

”The princess is caught in this tower here and there's a maze and it's filled with traps and beasts.”

Emil helped her build the maze, using pinecones and sticks to build the monsters. They were just starting to make their way through the maze when a man arrived.

”Anna, it's time to leave now.”

Anna grabbed her doll, turned to leave, but froze.

”Who are you?”

”My name is Robert, your mother sent me to fetch you. Come on now, it's getting late.”

Anna walked closer to Emil.

”What's the secret word?”

Her voice was shivering and Emil looked between her and the man. Robert let out a sigh.

”Anna, we don't have time to play games.”

Anna pressed against Emil's side, grabbed his hand. Something wasn't right.

”Hey, Anna, how about I follow you home? Together with Robert, of course.”

Anna's grip around his hand hardened and she stared at Robert.

”Would that be okay with you, Robert?” Emil asked.

”There is no need, she has wasted enough of your time already.”

”Oh no, no waste at all, I've had fun.”

”Still”, Robert's hand gripped Anna's arm, ”I'm not sure her mother would forgive me if I brought an unknown man with me.”

Anna whimpered and all alarms in Emil's head went off. He grabbed Robert's arm, squeezed it and Robert let go of Anna, glared at Emil.

”What do you think you're doing?”

”You're scaring her.”

”This does not concern you, boy. Come now, Anna, your mother will get worried if we linger.”

Robert pulled free of Emil's grip and made a new move towards Anna.

”I'm sure you can meet your friend again another day.”

Anna glanced at Emil, seemed to consider her option. After a few seconds she grabbed Robert's hand, Emil knew it was the threat that her mother would worry that made her change her mind.

”There, that wasn't that hard, was it?” Robert asked.

Anna shook her head and Emil looked at her, looked at Robert.

”I'm sorry for all this trouble”, Robert smiled towards Emil. ”I'm sure I'll see you around one day. Right Anna, you want to go here and meet your friend again, don't you?”

There was something about the way he smiled, the way he talked to Anna and the way he touched her. There was something wrong with the way Anna's cheeks got paler and paler. Emil bit his lip.

”You know what, I insist on following you. I'm sure her mother won't mind if I explain the situation.”

”You really don't need to...”

”Oh, I think I do. I think it'll make Anna happy. Is it okay, Anna? Can I tag along to make sure you get home okay?”

Anna nodded and Emil smiled.

”Then it's settled, I'll come along.”

There was something about the way Robert seemed to disapprove of what had just happened. Emil couldn't describe the way Robert's face quickly shifted between rage and defeat, the way his free hand repeatedly clenched itself. Robert nodded, started walking and Emil tagged along, talked with Anna as they walked. After twenty minutes Anna stopped.

”This isn't the way home.”

”It's a short-cut”, Robert smiled. ”Come on now.”

There was something about the way he looked at Emil. Emil placed himself between Anna and Robert.

”Anna, run.”

”What?”

”To the nearest house. Run. Call your mother.”

Anna took a step back and Robert stepped closer. Emil could see the bag hidden under Robert's coat, could see rope sticking out of it, and he took a step back as well, made sure he was still inbetween the two. Then Anna ran. Robert threw himself after her, but Emil grabbed him, threw him to the ground, landed over him. Anna's steps disappeared and Robert's knee hit Emil's stomach.

”You made me lose her”, he hissed and threw Emil to the side.

”I knew there was something off about you”, Emil's hand grabbed Robert's ankle, pulled him to the ground again. ”How many before her?”

”Let go of me!”

Robert's foot hit Emil's nose and Emil winced as it broke under Robert's sole. He let go of Robert, pulled himself to his feet and tried to dry off the blood running from his nose. Then his fist collided with Robert's face. Robert stumbled backwards, regained his balance and threw a fist in Emil's direction, landing it square on Emil's cheekbone. Robert was strong, Emil noted before taking a new swing towards him. Robert dodged, Emil dodged, they stood up, were on the ground, stood up again. They ran, didn't run. Fists flew, kicks were exchanged. Robert tried to get away, Emil wanted to make sure he stayed, make sure he got what he deserved.

”How many before Anna?” he asked again.

Robert spat in Emil's face.

”Like I'm telling.”

Emil managed to pin Robert to the ground again, hit him once, twice, three times in the face. Robert barely made any attempt to defend himself and Emil grabbed his coat, leaned closer, lifted Robert's torso slightly off the ground.

”What was your plan to get rid of me?”

”This.”

Something flashed in the corner of Emil's eyes, sharp pain exploded from his stomach and he lost his grip of Robert. Robert pushed him to the side, there was another jolt of pain and Emil pressed his hands to his stomach, felt warm sticky liquid pour over them. Blood.

”It didn't have to end like this”, Robert said, ”but you insisted.”

Emil could hear sirens in the distance and Robert froze for a second before leaning down and grabbing Emil's hair.

”A shame, you seemed like an okay dude, but I can't leave any witness.”

Emil's eyes fell on the knife in Robert's hand and he tried to pull away, tried to defend himself, but he had already lost too much blood, too much strenght. Robert's eyes swept up and down the street before he looked at Emil again, and Emil made a new attempt to pull away. Robert pressed his knee against Emil's chest, pulled his head back. Emil felt the steel against his throat, his breathing got quicker and then blood ran over his throat, down his throat. He tried to scream, but there was no air to make the sounds. Robert still held him, the sirens were getting closer and Robert released him, ran, and Emil pressed a hand against his throat, rolled to his side, got up on his knees. He tried calling for help again, but the blood drowned the scream and he fell down again. Darkness. He tried to keep it away, but it pulled him in, engulfed him and in the end he let it take him.

 


	8. A glitch in the system

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Digimon crossover. Emil has a calm day working as a guard for DATS, but just when his shift ends everything goes downhill.

Emil leaned against the wall. Some days he questioned why they needed him to stand guard, other days he had to shoo away hordes of journalists. Today was one of the questioning days. The area around the DATS headquarters was quiet, no one attempted to sneak inside and overall it was a tranquil day. Emil didn't mind the quiet days, at least not during the first hour, but after that it got boring fast. This day even more so since Masaru was out of town and wouldn't stop by to teach Emil everything he knew about street fighting.

Emil let out a sigh and took another walk around the building to make sure it was as quiet as it sounded. Which it was. He stopped at his post again, crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. He let out another sigh. If he at least had had a digimon partner it wouldn't be so boring. But no, of course he didn't. Everyone else who worked with DATS had, but not he. He looked at the sky, tried to figure out what his digimon would look like.

_It'd have to be a fire digimon, like Agumon. Except with wings, so more like Birdramon._

Emil had only seen Birdramon once and shivered when he remembered it.

_No wings, I changed my mind. But I stick to my decision about fire._

He hadn't met many fire digimons though, it was mostly Agumon and while there was nothing wrong with Agumon Emil couldn't see himself being partner with one.

_It'll have to be handsome like me though._

Emil pulled his fingers through his hair and let off some sparkles. He stopped leaning against the wall and took another walk around the block. In the end he had no idea what kind of digimon he'd like. But then again most people hadn't until they got assigned one. Emil hoped he'd get one soon.

When he returned from the walk he noticed a group of people at the entrance. They introduced themselves as tourists and Emil told them the area was off-limits. Only exciting thing to happen that forenoon. He ate lunch at his post, then patrolled the area again. A young boy stopped by, exchanged some words with him, then ran after his parents. Emil looked after him long after he had disappeared. It all was so incredible quiet and calm and Emil was almost starting to get nervous. He kicked a small rock, picked it up and played with it. He'd be allowed to go home soon, just one more hour, half an hour, fifteen minutes.

A large explosion echoed over the district. Emil froze, grabbed his gun, looked around. Flames were reaching over the walls on the other end of the building and Emil rushed over there, backed away as the flames grew higher. There was movement inside the flames, Emil heard shouting as people inside the building tried to get out.

”Captain!” Emil called when he saw an older man with a white otterlike digimon wrapped over his shoulders. ”What happened?”

He rushed towards captain Satsuma and assisted him in helping the other workers get away from the flames.

”There was a glitch in the portal”, Satsuma said. ”It activated and a digimon came through.”

Sirens, the firefighters were coming. Emil left captain Satsuma to tell them what had happened and then continued helping wherever he could. The flames kept creeping higher, then the firefighters opened the water, forced it back. Figures were still moving in the fire, figures that didn't quite look like humans, and Emil stopped the firefighters from going closer. Captain Satsuma laid a hand on Emil's shoulder, smiled at him.

”You've been a great help, but your shift has ended. You should return home.”

”I can still help!”

”You can't help us fight against a digimon. Let us handle this.”

Satsuma pulled out his digivice, nodded at Kudamon, who slipped off Satsuma's shoulder and ran towards the building. Satsuma's hand started glowing and he pulled out a red and black device and held his hand against it.

”Digisoul Charge!”

”Kudamon digivolve to... Reppamon!”

Reppamon ran into the building and Emil looked after him, looked at captain Satsuma and let out a sigh. The captain was right, he wasn't of any use now. Paramedics were treating the wounded, firefighters were taking care of the fire, those with digimons were taking care of the rogue digimon that had shown up and most importantly the guard for the next shift had already shown up. Emil exchanged a few words with him, telling him about what had happened and then he was off.

There was unusually many people out in the streets, lured outside by the sounds of battle from the DATS headquarter. Emil did his best to navigate between them, but didn't bother to tell them they should return to their homes. No one would have listened to him anyway, everyone too curious about what was going on. Then another explosion echoed over the city. A large creature flew through the air, landed on a rooftop close to where Emil was. The roof broke under it, large claws were forced through the walls to stop it from falling and then it pulled itself up again, was once again flying. Emil rushed towards the building, there was so much screaming, so much pain and he had to help.

CRASH

The digimon landed behind Emil and Emil tried to turn around. There was no time, a large foot hit his back and sent him flying. He twisted in the air, managed to land safetly and looked around. No one was there, only civilians. Everyone with a digimon was still back at the base, trying to keep the chaos there under control. He turned to face the digimon, trying to figure out what his next move should be.

The digimon was large, at least five meters high. It had blue skin, its arms were covered in feathers and ended not in hands but with three long metallic claws. Its legs were muscular with large flat feet. An orange beak adorned its face and Emil gulped, took a step back. The small, red eyes pierced through Emil and sent shivers down his spine. He took another step back, clenched his hands. There were so many people nearby, so many civilians he had to do his best to protect.

”Y-you dare face the”, Emil's voice quivered, ”the great Västerström Emil-sama?”

He straightened his back, tried to look as tall as the digimon was. The digimon leaned closer, its beak just centimeters from Emil's nose. Then it quickly closed the distance. Emil's nose broke and Emil covered it with his hand, felt blood run from it down over his chin, into his mouth, over his chest.

”Jävlars helvete!”

He spit the blood out, straightened his back and leaned his head slightly back to stop the worst flow of blood. The digimon laughed and Emil clenched his fist again, jumped towards the digimon. His fist collided with the digimon's cheek, heat rose around it and the digimon took a step back. Emil's eyes glued themselves to his hand, saw the yellow digicode surrounding it.

”A digisoul...”

”Here boy, catch!”

Emil turned towards the voice, saw an old man threw what looked like a digivice in his direction. He stretched his hand out to catch it, finally he'd be a full-fledged member of DATS, finally he'd have a digimon partner, finally...

Three metallic claws buried into Emil's stomach, cut through his body, sliced his organs, his lungs, his ribs and then pulled out. Emil fell backwards, hit the ground. He tried to take a breath, but couldn't, there was nothing to pull the air in with. Blood filled his mouth again and his body shook, his eyes locked onto the digimon. Voices were coming closer, he recognized them. The people he had worked with during his time as a guard for the DATS headquarted and he tried to turn towards them but couldn't move his head. The digimon came closer, Emil's eyes started getting blurry. The large foot was lifted from the ground and Emil stared at it, knew what would come and then it fell over him.

 


	9. A heated argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lalli and Emil is sent off to fetch some equipment for the crew, but the trip doesn't go as planned.

”I never liked your annoying face anyway.”

Lalli tried pushing the wheelbarrow, but it failed to move. Emil watched as Lalli let go of it before stomping away. He had just wanted to make the other feel better, had he destroyed everything now? Had he lost yet another friend? He grabbed the wheelbarrow.

Thump.

Emil turned towards the flower, saw it crushed beneath the glass that had just protected it and allowed it to grow.

_Wonderful_ , Emil thought, the word dripping with sarcasm. If the blooming flower had been a sign that all would soon be well, was the crushed flower a sign of what he had just done to Lalli? To their friendship? He grumbled and pushed the wheelbarrow after Lalli.

They had almost reached the door when Lalli stopped. Emil stopped as well, listened. Thump. Thump. Emil froze, stopped breathing. He forced his hand to move towards the knife while he slowly turned around. His eyes fell on a gigantic troll and his hand stopped. The troll's hind legs were large and clumsy but its front legs where thin, long and sharp. The body was swollen, large pieces of flesh was missing and the head was small apart from the oversized lower jaw which was split in the middle and hung from its face. Behind it Emil could see two smaller trolls and he gulped. The knife wouldn't help them.

Lalli moved beside him. Emil saw the two smaller trolls turning to follow him and Emil took a step back, removed one of the fuel cans from his belt and threw it over the trolls.

”Lalli, get out!”

The large troll started moving towards him, gasoline dripping from its head, and Emil took a step back. His back bumped into the wheelbarrow, he saw Lalli backing away in the corner of his eye and he grabbed one of the grenades, threw it towards the large troll.

BOOM!

The building shook. The large troll fell backwards, caught on fire. As did the smaller trolls and Emil took a step forward, held his breath. He couldn't see Lalli in all the smoke and dust filling the air. The trolls twitched on the floor, then stopped moving. Dead. At least Emil hoped the were. Part of the ceiling landed next to him.

”We should get out of here!”

He turned around, grabbed the wheelbarrow. Something heavy landed on it, knocked it over, and Emil fell as well. He coughed when dirt and dust found its way into his mouth. He flipped over to his back, breathed heavily and settled up, was about to get up, but a large piece of ceiling hit his knee and he felt his knee-cap jump out of place. He bit down on his hand to stop himself from screaming.

”Lalli!” he called as he pushed the lump of concrete off his leg. ”Lalli, can you hear me?!”

No answer. Emil pulled himself to his feet again, felt the knee-cap slid back into its place followed by even more pain. His leg trembled as he stepped on it and the knee threatened to give away under him, but for the moment it held.

”Lalli!” he called again.

Sound came from a pile of rock and wood and Emil limped towards it, pushed stuff away to reveal Lalli's thin frame. Blood had colored some of Lalli's hair red and Emil sank down on the floor, parted the locks to reveal a wound that was still bleeding. He shook Lalli's shoulder and Lalli's eyes opened, looked at him.

”We need to get out of here.”

The flames were growing taller around them, the building grew hotter for every second.

”Can you move?”

Lalli's eyes tried to focus on him, failed, and Emil grabbed Lalli, pulled him out of the pile and managed to get him to his feet.

”Here, lean on me.”

Emil wrapped his arm around Lalli's waist, clenched his teeth against the pain from his knee. It desperately didn't want to carry the weight of two people, but Lalli wobbled, could hardly stand and Emil had to get him out.

”Don't worry, we'll get out of here.”

He couldn't see the exit any longer, flames and smoke covering his sight. Lalli leaned against him, Emil's grip around his friend tightened. What if Lalli was seriously hurt? He started moving in the direction he hoped was the exit. Both coughed, smoke dried out their throats, lungs and Emil knew they had to get out soon.

”Don't worry”, Emil repeated between the coughs as he helped Lalli forward.

BOOM!

Something exploaded next to them. Emil turned around, protected Lalli from the flames as well as he could. He patted Lalli's uniform to put out whatever had caught on fire from the explosion. Lalli's eyes were a little less cloudy but still had problem focusing on him.

”It was just a gas tank. But we should hurry.”

He wasn't sure Lalli understood what he said. He took hold of the Finn again, once again started limping towards the exit, half dragging his friend with him. The room was getting hotter, Emil's knee throbbed and for every second breathing became harder and harder. Emil wiped sweat off his forehead, looked down. Flames were crawling over his jacket, towards the grenades he still had strapped to his chest and he let go of Lalli, tried to get the strap off, tried patting the fires out. His glove started burning as well and he cursed, pushed Lalli away.

BOOM!

BOOM!

Emil fell to the ground, a soundless scream made its way over his lips. His chest was burning, knives were cutting into his lungs. He could hardly breathe. Lalli scrambled to his side, patted out the flames that were fusing the shirt with his flesh before pressing his hands to Emil's bleeding chest. Another scream as broken ribs move under Lalli's hands and the Finn pulled away again. Emil took a deep breath, didn't take a deep breath, and forced his body up again.

”Out”, he said.

Lalli nodded, got to his feet and wobbled again. Emil's arm grabbed around Lalli's waist again, his other hand pressed against his chest, tried to stop the bleeding. Lalli pointed the way and Emil struggled to get the two of them in that direction. The heat increased, ceiling, shelves and walls crumbled around them and then fresh air. Emil almost fell, almost pulled Lalli down with him, but managed to stay on his feet.

”Just... a little longer.”

His voice was strained, he wasn't sure Lalli understood his words. He nodded towards the road they had taken to the store, and Lalli nodded. His eyes were clear now, his feet still unsteady, but he slipped out of Emil's grip, took hold of Emil and they made their way back towards the tank, both of them using the other for support.

”Almost there”, Lalli whispered.

Emil's legs wouldn't carry him any longer. He slipped out of Lalli's grip, fell to the ground. He coughed up blood as he hit it, but managed to roll over to his back, forced himself to smile towards Lalli. Lalli stared at him, his eyes scared, panicked, sad and Emil closed his eyes, gathered himself and opened his eyes again.

”We'll come out of this happier than we came in.”

Emil's voice was strained, his words barely a whisper. It was all he could do. He clenched his hand, lifted it towards Lalli. Tears gathered in Lalli's eyes, but didn't fall.

”Because no matter what, we'll at least be friends.”

Lalli's eyes looked at Emil, looked at the fist, and Emil's eyes started closing, started getting cloudy. Lalli's shoulders shook, he clenched one of his hands and hesitantly moved it towards Emil. Emil's smile disappeared, his arm fell down and his last breath left him. Lalli stared at the broken body of his friend, his hand just milimeters from where Emil's had just been.

 


	10. An ice pick for life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is winter and a five-year old Emil decides to go skiing!

Cold, everything was cold. It hit Emil like a sledgehammer and he dropped his ski poles, flailed in the water to get back through the hole. He couldn't reach it, his ski stuck between two rocks at the bottom of the river. He flailed again, his lungs were burning, he needed air. Water rushed through his mouth when he could no longer wait. Freezing water made its way into his lungs, his limbs. His clothes were heavy, didn't aid him and he couldn't keep struggling, couldn't go on.

Darkness engulfed Emil, he could barely feel the hands pulling at him, trying to drag him out of the water. Voices, words his brain couldn't register. His mother's warning was playing in the back of his mind, more and more quiet with each passing second.

”Make sure you ski away from the river.”

Excitement had made him forget it and now he had to pay for it. He could no longer move his fingers, couldn't move his arms. Water kept filling his lungs and then he was on the ice, people surrounded him, stared at him, pulled at his clothes. Hands pressed against his chest, pressed, pressed, pressed. Too strong, too hard and his young bones were brittle, breaking. Sharp edges pressing against his lungs, tearing at them, but he couldn't feel it, couldn't feel anything.

Voices, crying. Children asking what was happening, curious, never before had they witnessed what was happening and then that final phrase.

”It's too late, it's over.”

”It's not, it can't be!”

Hands still pressing at him, lips pressing against his, trying to fill his lungs with air, tried to get him to breathe again.

”He won't...”

The sentence broken. Torbjörn hugged Emil's tiny body against his chest, cried, but Emil couldn't comfort him, couldn't move, couldn't breathe, didn't need to breathe.

It was over.

 


	11. A shower of death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the crew's last day in Iceland and while preparing to meet up with the others Emil lets his emotions get the best of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra warnings for this chapter: Self-harm, suicide

_You're rich, you don't have anything to be sad about._

Emil leaned his back against the wall and pulled a hand through his hair.

_You're pretty, you can't be sad._

Blood coloured his hair, trickled down over his face, over his shoulders and mixed with the water.

_There's no reason for you to be sad, your parents love you._

Emil watched as the bloodied water disappeared through the drain, looked at the bleeding wound on his arm. If there was no reason for him to be sad, why did he keep feeling like this? He clenched his hand around the blade, sank down on the floor and let the shower hide his tears.

_You're always so happy._

_I'm rich and pretty, why shouldn't I be happy?_

But he wasn't. A fake smile, a superficial attitude and friends that didn't stick around. Family that was never at home. Loneliness. Pain to mask it, to make the hurt go away. And now he had to return to it. He stared at the knife, at the water that ran over the blade.

_You don't have anything to be sad about._

It was true. His life was good. His family loved him. Probably. They were just so busy with their own lives. Emil didn't blame them. Of course they had to be, it was their lives after all. He just... If only they had more time for him.

_I'm not important. It's alright. I understand that._

The blade glistened in the low light in the bathroom. He should get done soon, otherwise they might start to wonder where he was. Tomorrow they'd be returning home and they had so much planned for their last day in Iceland. Emil tried forcing a smile, but it disappeared again. His grip around the blade tightened.

_There's no reason for you to be sad._

There really wasn't. He got to hang out with a lot of cool people, just returned from the adventure of the century. He survived the Silent World. He should be happy. The blade cut his other arm. It was painless. Emil watched as fresh blood covered old scars, watched it mix with the water and flow down over his leg into the drain. He couldn't remember when it started, how it started. It wasn't important any longer. He pulled his bloody hand over his eyes, got blood in his face, but the shower quickly washed it off. He leaned his head against the wall.

_I need to get up. Dry off. Put on clothes._

His grip around the knife tightened.

_Meet with the others._

The knife cut over his skin again.

_Smile. I have to smile._

Tears ran down his cheek and he leaned forward again, let the now cold water wash them away, hide them.

_There's no reason for me to cry._

Part of him hoped someone would come, would see that he wasn't happy, hoped that they would tell him it's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel hopeless. Because it was okay. Feelings are natural, pretty, normal. It was okay to have them.

_You're not sad, you just crave attention._

Emil hid his face in his hands, felt the knife rub against his hair, his temple. He shouldn't cry. Pretty boys who are loved by their parents and comes from a rich family are not allowed to cry. Their lives are perfect. His life was perfect. He...

_Smile for mommy._

He smiled, pushed everything away, but his stomach still hurt, his heart was still in pain. It pushed back and his smile cracked, the knife slashed his cheek. It stung, he clenched his teeth as the blood ran from his cheek, over his neck, over his chest. He wouldn't be able to hide that one for the others, wouldn't be able to explain it. It was their last day and he was already destroying it. How did it go so wrong so early in the day? He couldn't explain it. He just wanted it all to go away. The pain, the sadness he shouldn't feel. He wanted it gone.

_I can't be sad. My life is perfect. I can't be sad._

The knife clattered to the floor and Emil rested his head against the wall. The ceiling was blurry through the tears that filled his eyes, he could barely make out the cracks in the colour that covered it.

_It's just like me. Cracking. Can't even pretend to be unbroken any longer._

He let out a sigh, his hands fell to the floor. Maybe the others wouldn't care if he didn't show up. Why would they anyway? He hadn't really been a valueable member of the team, had he? He closed his eyes as memories of the jokes Mikkel had pulled on him danced across his mind. The memories of his first encounter with Tuuri and Lalli, with Reynir.

_You stupid, ham-fisted Swede._

Stupid... Indeed, smart he wasn't. If he was smart he would stop being sad all the time. He would realize just how good his life was, that he was the most fortunate person in Sweden. He would... His hand gripped the knife again, his fingers slid along the edge of it.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Even Lalli called him stupid. Tuuri had said he didn't mean it like that, but... Lalli wasn't wrong. He really was stupid. Mikkel also thought so. Maybe even Tuuri did. Reynir... He had no idea what Reynir thought about him.

_I hit him though... I hit him and he was just panicking and I hit him. I should have..._

Emil didn't know what he should have done, but anything else would have been better than what he did.

_This is why my friends never stick around. I'm a terrible person. I keep feeling sad and sorry for myself even though I should just be happy because everything is fine, I'm fine life's perfect. I should just..._

Emil paused, his breathing got quicker and he leaned forward.

_No, no, no. I thought I had gotten away. I thought I was free. Why now? Why..._

His grip around the blade hardened, he looked at the blood disappearing through the drain. If only he could disappear as easily. If only. He stared at the blade, at the sharp edge. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to, he wanted to live, he wanted...

_Friends. I just want someone I can call a friend._

He drew a shaky breath, his eyes teared up again.

_Lalli..._

He pulled his knees to his chest, hugged his legs.

_I'm sorry..._

The knife cut into his leg, but he barely felt it. His calf got bloody, but was quickly rinsed by the water.

_I'm sorry I'm such a terrible friend. I tried but... I can't, I just can't. I don't know how to._

His body shook and he hugged himself tighter, before letting go of his legs again. He leaned back once more, let his arms and legs go limp and looked at the cracked ceiling again. He couldn't go on like this, he had to solve it somehow, had to become happy. Like he was supposed to be.

_Smile for daddy._

Emil forced a smile, forced a smile, forced a smile. It faltered instantly. He tried again. It disappeared. He tried once more, once more, once... His grip around the knife hardened and it cut into his left arm. Cut into his right arm. He didn't want to die. Blood gushed out the wounds, mixed with the water, disappeared down the drain. His feet started tingling, his heart beat faster and his head was getting lighter. It felt peaceful, relieving. He closed his eyes, let his body drop to the floor. There was a light scratching at the door, he heard Lalli's voice and then he blacked out.

 


	12. A quest for relaxation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lalli and Tuuri invites Emil to experience a sauna.

”I've never been to a sauna before.”

Emil's confession made him blush. He had actually been in one once, but he had been young and his only memories of it was what his mother had told him. Tuuri patted his shoulder.

”It's easy”, she said as she started undressing. ”First you take off your clothes and then you sit on your ass and relax.”

”Sounds easy enough”, Emil laughed.

Lalli strutted past them, a towel thrown over his shoulder, and entered the sauna. Tuuri winked at Emil before following Lalli inside the heated room. Emil glanced at the door, at the clothes Tuuri and Lalli had folded neatly. He pulled at his own clothes, not really sure why he was so nervous. He let his shirt fall to the floor, his pants as well. He wrapped a towel around his waist before pulling off his underwear.

”Coming in now.”

He opened the door. Hot air rushed towards him.

”Wow, it sure is hot in here.”

Lalli let out a sigh.

”Get in and close the door. You're letting the air out.”

Emil blinked, hurried inside and sank down next to Lalli.

”Sooo... you do this often?”

”From time to time”, Tuuri answered. ”It's a great way to relax.”

”How do you even relax in this heat?”

Lalli smiled and poured more water over the heater, releasing a cloud of steam which increased the heat.

”It is nice”, he said. ”Relaxing.”

”Mhm”, Emil disagreed.

He listened for a while as Tuuri and Lalli talked with each other, tried to relax.

”Next time we'll give you the full sauna-experience”, Tuuri smiled. ”This is just sauna-light.”

”That... sounds terrifying. What does it mean?”

Lalli smiled and poured some more water over the warm stones, releasing another cloud of steam. Emil glared at him.

”Do you _have_ to do that?”

”It has to be hot.”

”Are you going to throw me in icy water as well?”

”Maybe next time.”

”...please don't.”

”We'll see.”

Emil started to relax a little, maybe sauna wasn't that bad after all. Tuuri and Lalli kept talking, Emil tried to keep up, but the heat was making him dizzy and he had a hard time following the conversation. Eventually Tuuri got up, left the sauna. Emil thought about doing the same, but Lalli was still sitting there, his eyes distant, and Emil didn't want to seem weak.

”What are you thinking about?” Emil asked, not really expecting an answer.

Lalli shrugged, looked at Emil and looked away again.

”Do you like it?” he asked.

Emil nodded.

”Not too hot?”

”Nah”, Emil flexed. ”I'm strong enough to handle this.”

”Is it relaxing?”

”A bit”, Emil admitted. ”Very sweaty though.”

”You can leave”, Lalli leaned back and closed his eyes. ”I won't judge, I know you're not used to it.”

”I'm fine.”

Emil also leaned back and closed his eyes. The air was really hot and it was starting to feel hard to breathe. Alas, he was a person who  _loved_ fire, he couldn't let a little heat get to him. Lalli started talking again and Emil answered, lost the thread and stumbled over the words.

”Are you sure you're okay?” Lalli asked after another fifteen minutes.

Emil nodded and Lalli looked at him. After another few minutes Lalli got up, nodded towards Emil.

”Im going out now, don't stay too long. Your weak, Swedish blood probably can't take much more.”

”...Is that a challenge?”

Lalli snrkted, then left the sauna. Emil rolled his thumbs, looked at the ceiling. It was really hot in there, maybe they wouldn't view him as weak if he left now, the Finns had already escaped the heat after all. He stood up, dizzyness hit him like a brick, his knees got weak. He tried to sit back down, but his body fell forward, darkness clouded his eyes. Hot stones burned his skin as he fell over the heater, a scream escaped his lips and a sharp edge hit his head. Blood gushed out of the wound, coloured the wall, and Emil's body slid off the heater, hit the edge of the bench, fell to the floor and lodged itself against the door.

”Emil!”

Lalli's voice. Tuuri and Lalli rushed to the sauna, tried to get the door open, but Emil's body was in the way, blood was sipping out from under the door. Emil didn't move, he was getting paler, his breathing got slower, stopped.

The sauna had been more relaxing than he bargained for.

 


	13. A nightmare turned real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lalli learns the hard way that he can't trust his mage-senses while working inside a non-mage.

Lalli didn't notice the troll in time, he had overestimated what abilities he had while stuck in Emil's head. Emil let go of the rug Lalli's body laid on and grabbed his rifle, but the troll was too quick. It slammed into Emil, the house shook around Lalli and Emil's body flew. Lalli got up from the couch, prepared to protect the sanctuary, Emil's mind and his own mind. The troll tried to slam into Emil's body again, but ran into an invisible shield. Lalli's eyes were glowing, Emil's eyes were closing, the physical realm disappearing from Lalli's eyes. The shield shattered, the walls shattered. Lalli flew, Emil's spirit flew. Lalli tried to call, tried to reach him, but a woman grabbed Emil and Lalli watched them disappear towards the Bird's Path. And then he landed.

 

Lalli gasps, his eyes fly open. He doesn't have time to think, to make sure he's okay. His hand grabs the knife at his side as he gets up from the rug. The troll is leaning over Emil's body, there's blood on its face, there's blood on Emil's clothes. Lalli sees everything in slow-motion, how the troll turns its head towards him, how drops of blood falls to the ground. Emil's belt is hanging from its teeth and it takes a step back, turns towards Lalli and starts charging. Lalli's grip around the knife tightens, the rug slides under his feet as he starts running towards the troll. It's not too late, there's still a chance. There has to be.

His knife sinks into the troll's head, the troll loses its footing, falls, slides over the snow and Lalli jumps to the side, sprints to Emil's body and grabs two of his grenades. He has never used grenades before, they're too crude, too noisy, but he is out of options, his rifle still on Emil's back and his knife in the troll's head. The troll struggles to get to its feet, its face once again turning towards Lalli, the belt still in its mouth. Lalli takes a shaky breath as he pulls out the pins. The grenades fly towards the troll, it turns towards them and opens its mouth.

The boom echoes across the landscape. Bits of troll lands on Lalli, lands on Emil. Lalli's hands are shaking and he presses them together, turns his head away from the carnage and towards Emil.

Emil, who isn't moving. Isn't breathing. Lalli grabs Emil's shoulders, shakes his body. Emil's head falls to the side and Lalli's hands presses Emil's chest, his shoulders are shaking. He shakes his head to clear his mind, blinks to clear his eyes. He crawls to Emil's head, pulls the hair away from Emil's face.

”No...”

Emil is pale, his mouth slightly open, but not breathing.

”Please...”

Lalli crawls even closer, places Emil's head in his lap. His eyes are obscured again, water trickles down his cheeks and lands on Emil's face. Lalli's thumb dries it off, dries off his own face, but it is already wet again.

”No...”

Lalli's arms cradle Emil, pulls him to Lalli's chest. He hides his face in Emil's hair, his body is shaking. Emil's blood smears over his clothes and his face. He doesn't care, there is no reason to care. Tears mix with the blood and disappears in Emil's hair. Lalli pulls his fingers through Emil's hair again, takes the two guns from Emil's back. His foot kicks one of Emil's fuelcans as he puts Emil back on the ground. He grabs one of the remaining grenades as well as Emil's knife.

”I can't guide your soul”, he whispers as he pours the gasoline over Emil's body, ”but I think your gods have already collected you.”

He leans down to fix Emil's hair one last time, before grabbing the weapons. He walks twenty meters before turning towards Emil again.

”Farewell... my friend.”

He pulls the pin, throws the grenade. When Emil's body catches fire Lalli is already on his way.

 


	14. A murder of crows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fog is thick and Emil has gotten away from the others. But he's not alone in the forest.

The forest laid silent. Emil shuddered. The fog rolled in thick, he could barely see his hand infront of him. Sounds were muffled. He had lost sight of the others. He had to stay on the trail or he'd be completely lost. Maybe he'd run into a giant or a beast. He shuddered again and hurried his steps. The trail split into two and he stopped. Listened.

”Sigrun?” he called. ”Lalli!”

No answer. He tried to remember the map, but he wasn't Lalli, he couldn't recall it. His breaths got shorter. He closed his eyes. Deep breaths. He calmed down a little and opened his eyes again.

_Okay_ , he thought.  _I can do this._

He looked at the trails again, searched for any traces of the others. How had he fallen so far behind? He heard steps on the left trail, but they disappeared again.

_Did I imagine it? Wishful thinking?_

He bit his lip.

_Should I wait here until the fog clears? Will they come back and look for me?_

He vaguely remembered that Sigrun did not do backtracking. His only choice was to continue. He took another deep breath then stepped onto the left path. He walked quickly, if it was the others he heard he wanted to catch up to them. The forest got thicker around him, the fog thickened up as well. Even the sounds of his own steps got swallowed by it.

”Kra.”

Emil stopped, looked around.

”Kra, kra.”

The fog cleared for a second. Enough for him to see two crows sitting in a tree staring at him. Then it thickened again. Emil swallowed, kept walking.

”Kra, kra.”

Emil's breathing got shallower.

_Crows are good birds, nice ones. They won't hurt me._

He walked faster. The fog cleared again. The trees were filled with crows, all staring at him. Their eyes seemed to glow.

”I'm imagining.”

Two of them left their tree, swooped over him. The fog thickened again. Kra, kra followed him as he walked, jogged, ran. He stumbled over a root, dropped his gun. It disappeared into the fog. He reached after it, but something picked at his hand. He pulled it back, moved away. Kra, kra. He got to his feet, stumbled onwards. Every now and then the fog cleared, let him see the crows still watching him. They swooped over his head, drove him on.

He couldn't see the trail any longer. Couldn't see his feet. Everything was white. He stumbled. Claws gripped his hair, ripped at his clothes and cut through his skin. Kra. Emil held his arms over his head, tried to protect it.

Claws dug into his back and he jumped forward, didn't land. The ground was gone and Emil fell. He screamed. His body hit rocks, kept falling. He could feel bone breaking as he tumbled down, now and then hitting a tree or a rock that was sticking out. Claws still pulled at his body, clawed at him.

Ground. Emil landed, couldn't move, couldn't scream. Blood was filling his mouth but he couldn't spit it out. He tried to swallow it, but instead he took a breath, and another. Blood filled up his lungs.

”Kra.”

”Kra, kra.”

The fog lifted. Emil saw crows surrounding him, sitting on any available spot. They flew closer, landed on his chest, pressed his already broken ribs further into his lungs.

”Kra, kra, kra.”

They came closer. Emil's eyes closed. When they started feasting on him he was dead.

 


End file.
